There's been a lot of talk in technology circles lately about Microsoft's brand-new operating system, Vista. As a distinct and often very different replacement for all that's gone before, this system has been unfairly judged by critics who are too stuck in the past, who can't evolve and adjust to change and the Microsoft Future™. Why, I myself was until recently a detractor of this work of art that is Vista, after purchasing a new computer system and finding myself unable to perform even the most basic of tasks (such as, for instance, updating this very website).
However, given time to consider my situation, I now realize that the fault does not lie with Microsoft; no, truly, my problems could only be caused by my own personal stupidity. Yes indeed, what I believed were "bugs" in Vista are actually "features," features that will help me have a better outlook on life and more productive and 'with-it' technological experience!
Please, gentle reader, allow me to share what I've learned with you. Amidst all of the negativity surrounding this wonderful Vista, allow me to share with you my Five Reasons to Upgrade to Microsoft Vista:
#1: 3D graphics are for pussies.
Nostalgia is all the craze right now, retro gaming is in, and business graphics are moving ever-forward to a back-to-the-basics approach. With that in mind… who needs 3D? Microsoft, realizing the direction of current technology and design trends, introduced a smart new feature into Vista that renders many 3D video cards useless! That’s right – with your upgrade to Vista, the functionality of those pesky graphic cards will be minimized, allowing nothing to obscure your simple, lovable two-dimensional graphics capabilities.
After all, who needs 3D modeling and animation when we can look fondly at Microsoft Aero backgrounds™ and the patented Microsoft Flower-Picture Slideshow?
#2: Life needs more surprises!
Face it – you’ve gotten lazy. We all have. We’ve grown dangerously complacent and overconfident in our own technological capability. When we clicked to open, say, Macromedia Flash… we always expected it to… well… work. Not a safe assumption in this dangerous, post-9/11 world, wouldn’t you agree? Who knows when you may need to live a technology-free live in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, when useless computer terminals are used only for storing aquariums and building defensible walls?
With the new Who Knows?™ feature in Microsoft Vista, prepare yourself for an uncertain future by living in an uncertain present! Can you find your old documents in the new filing structure? Who Knows? Can you use a DOS prompt to access important file commands? Who Knows? Will the search feature find a document if you input its exact name as a search parameter? Who Knows? Where is 86.2% of your CPU’s processing power going while your computer idles? Who Knows?
#3: Your old games sucked anyway.
Diablo II? Heroes of Might and Magic? Oblivion? Some may call them classics, but Microsoft knows better, and they’re educating you, too! These games are yesterday’s news, as past-tense as DOS. They’re kids’ stuff, and we all need to stop living in the past. Microsoft does us the favor of preventing us from playing those games by conveniently making them incompatible with Vista. Better yet, literally thousands of yesterday’s supposedly, so-called “great” game titles won’t run properly on Vista, either. Thank you, Microsoft, for saving us from the doldrums of inferior gaming!
Luckily for us, all Microsoft games run perfectly on Windows Vista, and those were the only good ones out there anyway, right? So chuck that Warcraft! Abandon your Titan Quest! Instead, enjoy true gaming goodness like Microsoft Classic Board Games, Flight Deck 4, and Nickelodeon 3D Movie Maker!
#4: We all need someone to tell us how lazy software developers are.
We’ve always believed that Adobe produced brilliant business software; that Creative made great MP3 players; that Macromedia created outstanding creative tools; that Blizzard generated some truly phenomenal games. Thankfully, we have Microsoft to show us how lazy these lay-abouts truly are!
Attempting to install and operate software from any of the above companies, plus hundreds of other good-for-nothing, inferior program providers, will result in a helpful error message from the fine folks at Microsoft informing us that due to the simple-minded laziness of the program’s creators, the program is completely incompatible with Microsoft Vista. To aid us in reprimanding these slovenly programmers, we are helpfully provided a link by Microsoft to demand that the software creator in question go back through their code and update everything to run on Microsoft’s simple new Completely Backwards Compatible™ platform!
Now that it has been exposed that every software company (except Microsoft) is lazy, and at fault for software not working with Microsoft Vista (except Microsoft), hopefully we can start a grass-roots effort to help poor Microsoft get their new operating system to work with all of these programs!
#5: Microsoft is smarter than you!
We all need a reminder that we’re not omnipotent every so often, don’t we? Minor achievements of everyday life, like successfully locating our microwave or remembering how to turn on the TV, may fill our heads with an inflated air of false confidence. Luckily, the trained psychologists at Microsoft recognize our all-too-human failings, and they’ve purposely designed Vista to help bring us back down to earth.
For instance, try running software on Vista that modifies files on your computer, like, for instance, a word processing program that saves documents. “I have the rights to do this,” you haughtily think, “it’s my computer.” No, no, no! replies Microsoft Vista, Mister Getting-Too-Big-For-His-Pants! You’ll need Administrator access to do that. “But I am signed on as an Administrator,” you whine, finally realizing your own humility. No, no, no! says Microsoft Vista – That’s not good enough. Why don’t you check our help file for details on how to fix this problem? Directed to said help file, you soon learn that the correct way to solve the issue is to delete all of your files, format your hard drive, and reinstall that Wonder of Modern Technology, Microsoft Vista. That, Microsoft’s help-file assures, will certainly solve the problem.
Now, not only do we all have a more accurate understandings of our own intellectual limits, but we have a long, fun project to keep us busy for the rest of the day… a long, fun project that might just be even longer than we know, thanks to the wonders of Microsoft’s aforementioned Who Knows?™ protocol!
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© Copyright James Lemoine, 2003-2007. Copying and stealing information from this website without express written permission from Jimmy is strictly forbidden and an indicator that you are not the kind of nobody who hangs out in the Nevertown. So don't do it. The Beyond Wonderland font is provided by Chris Hansen, one hell of a talented font designer. Some javascript appropriated from javascript-fx.com, and used only after heavy modification.
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